I have always been fine with the idea of dying. I know it sounds strange, but seriously, I have never been afraid to die. In fact, to be honest, I've always looked forward to it. Not that I wanted to be dead, but that I wanted to see my Jesus face to face. Even when faced with death after giving birth to Sam; going into surgery and telling the Lord that I knew that when I opened my eyes, I'd either see Him or see my first born...I was honestly not scared. I was not scared until I saw this movie, No Reservations.
Within the first ten minutes of the movie, I was crying. An ugly, uncontrollable cry. The kind of cry that made David ask if we needed to leave. I cried the entire movie. Don't get me wrong, it was a great movie. It even had a happy ending. After the movie was over, I felt the need to control everything...like I can anyway. I told David to be extra careful in the car on the way home and I was thankful that we were less than ten minutes from where my little boy was sleeping. I was trying to manipulate circumstances in my mind so that I wouldn't be away from Sam for a minute. If something was going to happen to me, at least I'd be with him. I was so overwhelmed that when we got back to David's parents' house, I went and picked Sam up out of his crib and held him forever...with tears running down my face. As I was holding him, the Lord whispered to me, "I really DO have a plan for Sam...and it is MY plan, not yours, Sherry." I'm crying now just thinking about how audible His holy voice was to me in that room. And, about the fact that I realized that I didn't truly trust Him with Sam.
I have always thought that I trusted the Lord with everything. But, the thought of the Lord taking me from my child was unbearable. I couldn't imagine Sam having to be without his mommy. Not that I'm the greatest mom, but I am his mom. We have our things...we have our dances and our songs and our little games and faces that no one else in the world shares. We have words that no one else understands. I may not be the best mom in the world, but Sam's mom I am. And, the little boy does love me and he misses me when I am gone. I couldn't bear thinking about him asking for me and someone having to tell him that I wasn't coming back.
Throughout the night, I got zero sleep. I was really wrestling with the Lord over this. It bothered me that I didn't trust Him with something. He is the ONLY One we can really trust. There is no darkness in Him (James 1:17). He does work everything together for good (Romans 8:28). He does work out everything according to the purpose of His perfect will (Phil. 1:11). HE IS GOOD. He has Sam's good in mind and He knows the plans that He has for Sam (Jer. 29:11). So, what do I have to fear? Nothing, really. Who do I get to trust? The One who is trustworthy. I am still not completely fine with this, but what I do know is that Sam was planned by God before the foundation of the world and His days are written (Psalm 139). I don't know what Sam's days are going to hold, but my heavenly Father does. And, He is the perfect parent. And, He's Sam's Father.
Lord, help me to have no reservations in trusting You with all my heart. You say that if I trust You with all my heart and lean not on my understanding and know You in all my ways, that You will make my paths straight. Help me to trust You fully. Even and especially in the areas that it is most difficult to trust You. You are worthy!
5 comments:
Sherry, YOU are so so special, to us, and to God!!! What a beautiful post - you indeed have touched our mom hearts. In the last week, I have also come to grips with similar thoughts - and realized that I have NO control over my firstborn - my mountain climber, my second born, who was body surfing on a very dangerous beach in Hawaii, and third boy, who was facing a mountain lion in Africa, and rafting down the very treacherous Nile river. hmmmm, I suppose my choice is to believe my God. and rest in that. Your Sam, and baby, are very blessed to have such a special, loving mom. God bless you and your sweet family!
I don't even know where to start. Sherry, you have opened my eyes to thoughts that I have all the time . . . And a real fear, that of course, doesn't come from the Lord. I love you, and I keep you and yours in my prayers.
Sister, this is so belated, but I just wanted to say I hope you had a fabulous birthday! You are such a special person and I love you!
Whew girl...
I don't have a child (I hear you're supposed to go out on some dates and get married first for all of that! Hehe ;) ).
But thank you for sharing. Your post just makes me want to go having a blurbing cry fest b/c the Lord whispered how He loves me in it. Your 'mommy' heart brought me back to the lap of my Father tonight.
Sherry- reading this post has helped me realize that my job as Carlee and Zachary's mom in huge. I am exactly where God wants me and I may fail at times, but I am the only one who knows my child inside and out. That makes me smile and thankful for my responsibility. I love you and love your perspective on being a mom. This is why I need friends like you in my life. Thanks!
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